Today I am angry.
Angry with the degree of suffering my son is enduring.
Angry with the deep loss we have experienced.
Angry at the continuous bondage that binds my family.
Angry that the enemy of our souls sends continuous lies against the character of God to our minds.
Angry that many people have bought into these very lies.
What do we do when we read the Scripture and we believe it, but it seems to not be true for us?
For the LORD loves justice, and he will never abandon the godly. He will keep them safe forever.(Psalms 37:28)
What do we do with verses like this one, when there is no justice and we don’t feel safe? Where is the disconnect?
I wish today I had the answer. I know I am not the only one thinking this, although most of us churn inside with these thoughts and don’t talk about them because we “aren’t supposed to ask God why.”
And whoever made that idea a thing, anyway? Ever read Psalm 88? I see the pleas in Psalms of righteous people questioning God in their suffering all over the place. If we are honest with God then asking the questions is the only way He can lead us to our personal answers.
Here’s what I do know:
- The enemy of God will do whatever he can to malign the character of God to us. What he wants is our agreement. Recognize this is a slimy tactic.
- We cannot make up a new fake doctrine based on our experience. Maybe I don’t SEE justice in my situation, but that does not make God a liar. We have to be strong enough to stand on the truth until our experience lines up with the truth… NOT make up a new belief system to explain our lack of breakthrough. (Which sounds like “God is not really that good,” or “God just doesn’t do amazing things anymore.”) This has been happening in churches for decades, resulting in years of false teaching that promotes a defeated, powerless existence.
- We need to come to a place where living in the mystery of not yet seeing what we believe actually becomes our fuel to pursue Him more. We are all on a journey, a process of growing. Everything He does is for the reason of embracing us in relationship. We won’t ever find the answers we so desperately need without engaging in personal, honest dialogue with Him.
In summary of these points, it will always be the goal of the enemy to get us to believe something untrue about God so that we justify a lack of experience in seeing His promises in our lives, to propagate the lie that our glorious God is not who He says He is. From then on it’s easier to believe more untrue things about Him, and therefore live in a constant underlying mistrust. Most of the time we don’t even know the mistrust is there.
I don’t say this lightly, but rather out of deep personal experience. I’ve been sitting in the hospital for several weeks watching my son live in excruciating pain, so that = me also in excruciating pain.
But I wish you could see Carson, my hero, even right now. He isn’t giving up. (If you are unfamiliar with our son’s battle, you can read about it here) Anyone else would have by now. He understands somehow in the most beautiful, profound way that what God says is true, and he exists in defiance of his physical circumstances. In fact, as he fights in his weak, frail body, he continually declares his horrific symptoms to be “Fake News.” I watch him in constant awe.
This is what is possible, in the middle of the worse conditions of life. We can live, defying the enemy and defying the nature of death. It doesn’t mean that we don’t have pain or that we don’t express emotion or that we aren’t longing for some relief. Maybe we won’t feel physically strong at the same time we are actually quite spiritually strong. Others may not be able to necessarily see this solid strength from the outside. Its existence, though, becomes a quiet foundation of steel that we live from.
And yes, I am still angry. But today I will let my anger drive me to pursue Him more, until I understand better, until I see with my eyes what has been promised to me, regardless of the devastation I can see right now. We will make this choice every hour if we have to, until our physical experience matches up with the spiritual truth that we know.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. (2 Corinthians 4:16)